• Paula Schwarz

My Autobiography - Part 1 - Childhood

Updated: Oct 3

I was born in the ‚Schwabinger' Hospital in Munich, Germany.

Apparently it was 4.15 pm when I came out of my mother’s womb.

Sha said that I came out ‚almost flying‘ - I was almost born in. a bathtub, in a lot of water..maybe that explains my passion for the sea still today. I don’t know.

The doctor wasn’t there when I came to this world because he didn’t have enough time to rush to my mother and I.

My mother thought that I would come out as a boy, my name would have been Kontantin. They had already picked that name, my father and her.

Since I was born a woman, they named me after Paula, a brave woman in my family who had unfortunately already passed away.

As a baby I was very loved. My mother was happy that I was born a woman and my father said that I was "extremely ugly but so cute".

I had red hair like fire already when I was born, and an extremely large brain.

My eyes looked slightly shaky and confused - a look I still carry today sometimes.

Unfortunately, I don’t know what my first words were or when I first learned to walk.

I asked but I think they forgot.

I always liked the world and I felt very connected to it.

I didn’t like plastic very much but I understood it as a part of nature.

To me, everything was nature. This has not changed today.

Break in my brain

I have images in my memory from my early phases as a child when I wanted to touch my body, and I remember a strong force under my armpits that held my arms away from my body, for example when I would have to go to the bathroom, so that I don’t touch my own body too much.

I don’t understand why a parent would not allow a child to touch its body but there are so many things on this earth that I find hard to be understood.

The next thing I remember is my kindergarden. I went to an artistic kindergarden in the center of munich. The discrepancy between the violence at home and the ’show’ that was being put up outside of home was disturbing to me and I found it difficult to connect with people as a result because of this charade. It confused me.

I won some big artistic prizes at the age of five already with a painting that my parents still own. I painted something like a miracle elephant with a very large nose and colours around it that look somewhat psychadelic.

What I took for granted with my parents is that, at its core, my life was about them and not about me. What I mean by that is that I would have liked to wear the things that I liked and do the things that made me happy but seeming too happy wasn’t posh or educated enough and so I was being punished silently in a corner if my jokes were too good or if I just wanted to be a normal kid without manners. This started very early in my life.

My brother later said that he remembers the violence at home also physically speaking. I don’t so much. I remember hands on my body and in my face as weapons. That, I do remember.

I never got presents that I liked as a child, I wasn’t allowed to pick them and today i believe that I wouldn’t have had developed the character to select them anyway because I hadn’t been given the time to realize who I am and what I’m into.

I don’t remember loving my friends very much because I felt as though they were being pre-selected. I liked animals because they were so free, elegant and beautiful in a free way. At least in my imagination.

In primary school in Germany, at the age of six, I was enrolled in the Greek section of the European School of Munich. I was the only girl with red hair, we only had very few people in the class.

My Greek was good at that point but I was very confused as was mentioned.

I remember how much I liked physics as a child.

We had a microwave in our kitchen and my favourite dish was toast with melted cheese on it, because I loved watching the plate turn inside of the microwave with the cheese getting softer and softer. This was like alchemy to me. I think I was looking for a way out of home.

A way to escape.

We had animals but they kept running away because of the brutality and the bad energy at home. I think this was one of the first signs in my life that made me notice ‚auras‘ or energies. It was not the energy of people that interested me so much at first because people were hurting me. It was the energy of things that did not posess the power to speak with words.

At some point, after my two dogs ran away and my guineapigs began to eat their own children in their cage, I felt like I began to understand the topic of energies in a very pure way. 

Trust was already then a very big topic for me because I felt as though I surely couldn’t trust my mother. To me, she was not a mother but an actress.

She kept leaving me alone with a woman who kept on falling asleep, something that resulted in 7-9 broken bones as a child. How many they were I cannot remember for sure, I just remember the crack of my breaking arms and then how I told people that I need a doctor - and my mother not believing me. I felt that in my soul.

At one point, my brother had pushed me off of some ropes thast were hanging in our basement for me to climb around them like a monkey - I always liked to play with gravity. My brother made me fall off and I broke my arm. It took around 3 weeks until my mother believed me that my arm was broken - it took her 3 weeks to bring me to a doctor. My arm was broken rather badly. The other injuries I had were visible, this one was not but it hurt like hell.

Becoming a bad person

Later in my life I refused to act against my principles countless times and people wondered or are still wondering why I have the strength to not disregard the ethics I believe in.

I believe that we live in a system today that has turned good people into bad ones.

I was part of a system that turned me into a bad person. Not because I was drinking or doing drugs as a child or something - but I was taught to lie, to disrespect and to say things that were being said to show other people that I was supposed to be better than them.

When I woke up from this character I had wrongfully accepted as myself, I changed it. I felt disgusted with myself and I saw that the beginnings of my bad behaviour actually did root in my childhood. I know that bitch I was was never my real core because I was able to change that about me and I can feel my heart again as a result. I feel beautiful inside now and this is why I strongly believe in good transformation.

I remember the moment that my conscious side, my survival side first took control of me at one point and made me realize that I would have to become partially bad in order not to die in that ecosystem.

I remember this because I remember dressing my bunnies in the dresses of my dolls, my mother loved it and laughed but some years later I found those photos we took of the bunnies again - in digust - of who I had become.

On the other hand, my mother gave me the ‚come on, let’s go‘ attitude that my team referrs to about me a lot these days. I’m not used to me being the center, maybe I talk a lot because words take long to be spoken if you question everything again and again but I don’t think that I’d like to be egocentric. I like looking at the miracles of the world and I like to talk about them without knowing if what I say in that moment is right or wrong. I think there’s something bigger out there that also wouldn’t want me to have the arrogance to think I know everything, to label everything and to be too ‚aware‘. 

On that note, I feel like people have a wrong connection to the topic of awareness, at least in my eyes. I am more like Socrates with awareness. I know that I don’t know so many things! I build technology because I believe that we can help the people grasp more ‚things‘ with more senses. I want to use and to build technology in order to help the people grow more senses for the wonders of our universe and beyond.

I will explain more about this later in this book.

1,041 views6 comments